


In My Blood

by Sugahyung



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Also Eugene is a secondary character but I would die for him, Depression, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Possible Proposal ??, Shane and Ryland are kinda secondary characters sorry, Suicide Attempt, but I love them and wanted to add them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-04-16 15:38:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugahyung/pseuds/Sugahyung
Summary: Phil has been depressed for years, known since he was a child, but he’s never told his best friend Dan. Mainly because Dan also has depression and Phil didn’t want to put that weight on him. Holding on all of his feelings eventually breaks him and makes him do something that will change everything.





	1. The Breaking Point

**Author's Note:**

> Summary is sappy I know okay? I’m a sappy bitch. Shane and Ryland are secondary characters in this but I love them and if you guys like this I may post this same story but from Shylands POV ?   
> This is only gonna be like 2-3 chapters, just btw. I don’t have the responsibility to be trusted with writing a whole novel LMAOOO

Phil was always somebody that was perceived as happy. He was a loud and proud guy who was never afraid of expressing himself. 

See, on camera Phil loved this version of himself. He loved this guy who was bright and colourful. He loved being the guy who’s happiness inspired others to be happy. 

And if Phil were to be honest, that was the only version of himself that kept him holding on. 

Off camera Phil still acted about the same, except he was a bit less loud unless in a social situation. While he was an introvert, he still gained a slight amount of energy from parties or other social events, where he would put on a smile and be the happy guy that he always was. It was the only version of himself that he liked and he knew that as long as he could keep this act up that he was still retaining a bit of who he used to be.

Dan had a hunch that things were wrong after a while. Phil was so happy and bubbly on camera but then afterward seemed to have this complete energy crash. He would be unreasonably angry or sad, not directed at Dan, just in general, and eventually would just head up to his room and sleep. Dan was beginning to think it was something he had done, but Phil assured him that Dan had done absolutely nothing wrong. 

See, Phil had depression. It was a tough pill to swallow when he first figured it out. He had gone to the doctor for checkups and would buy the prescription that they assigned him but he would never take it. Instead, he had a bunch of filled pill bottles in the hidden compartment of his dresser. 

This was something he didn’t want his viewers to know, and absolutely something that he didn’t want Dan to know. He had always been there for Dan through his darkest moments. Those days where Dan just couldn’t get out of bed, Phil would stay with him and they would lay around together. Phil would make sure he drank some water and got his daily nutrients, and if Dan was up to it, he would run him a bubble bath. Dan had told Phil multiple times that he was his rock, his shoulder to cry on and someone he could tell anything to. Phil never wanted this to change. But he knew it would have to. 

Phil had a feeling his breaking point was coming soon. 

It was a normal Saturday night in the household. They had just finished filming a gaming video and were currently getting ready for bed.

“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.” Dan flinched as he heard Phil screaming. He quickly rushed from his room to the bathroom where Phil was splashing water on his flushed face.

“You’re stupid Phil, so fucking goddamn stupid you piece of useless shit,” Phil was mumbling angrily to himself. Dan listened in as Phil continued grumbling to himself, backing himself out of sight around the corner until he deemed it safe.

“Are you alright?” Dan asked carefully, looking in at Phil, who was currently leaning over the sink.

Phil just nodded in response, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“I just dropped all my contacts down the drain,” he said, voice cracking as he quickly wiped his eyes.

“Oh shit, that’s not good, but also not really something to be too concerned about, you’ll just have to wear your glasses for a little -“ Dan stopped what he was saying when he realize Phil was crying.

“Phil,” he said gently, walking closer and leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder, “are you alright?”

Phil sniffled in response, “Yeah, just a rough day.” 

“You need a hug?” Dan asked. 

Phil nodded, quickly spinning around and pulling Dan into the tightest bear hug possible. Dan rubbed his back soothingly and things seemed to be okay until he heard a broken sob shake Phil’s body.

Phil’s body went a bit limp as he cried so Dan carefully lowered them down to the floor. It wasn’t ideal but he wasn’t about to drag Phil down the hallway back to his room. Not when he was feeling this emotionally weak. 

Phil pulled his knees up to his chest and inhaled a ragged breath as he leaned on Dan’s chest, Dan holding him comfortingly and playing with his hair.

Dan wanted to ask Phil what was wrong, this seemed entirely out of character for Phil. Even when he was having a bad day he would come to Dan and talk with him to help himself feel better. Dan decided against that idea, deciding it would likely just upset him more, and continued consoling his sobbing friend.

The following day is when things began to spiral out of control. When Phil had woken up that next morning he just laid and stared at the ceiling in his room for an hour. He was aware that he was out of it today, but it was worse than usual. 

“Phil! Phil come down for breakfast!” Phil heard Dan yelling from downstairs but he didn’t move. He felt emotionally weak and his limbs did not want to cooperate with him at all. But he pushed through these feelings, slowly getting out of bed. When he stood up, he noticed he was already dizzy with anxiety but paid no mind to it.

He glanced over at the drawer that held his antidepressants, a morbid thought running through his brain before he shook his head and went downstairs for breakfast.

Dan noticed almost immediately that something was wrong. Phil’s eyes seemed dead and he was completely zoned out. His sneaking suspicion that last night had been some kind of breaking point for Phil caused him to pay close attention to Phil’s behaviours for the rest of the day.

As the day progressed, Phil seemed to feel a bit better. Certainly nowhere near okay, but he seemed better. Nearing the evening, they decided to try and film a gaming video and that’s where things went back downhill.

They sat down to play Mario kart, and things seemed to be going okay for a little while. Phil’s smile and laughter seemed very forced but Dan didn’t think much of it until the first curse word dropped from Phil’s mouth.

“Phil we can’t keep that in the video you just-“

“Fucking shut up, this cunt just threw a shell at me and if he thinks he’s going to-“ the game ended as Phil came in last place, that shell another player had thrown at him completely messing up his game.

Dan opened his mouth to speak until a loud crash sounded and he realized Phil had thrown his controller across the room.

“Fucking stupid, that’s what I am. Stupid. I fucking lost this game because I’m useless and I can’t bare to ever just come back from anything and-“ Phil was breathing heavily and his face was turning red, until he turned to look at Dan.

Dan’s face was ridden with terror over Phil’s actions, and only then did Phil seem to realize what he had just done.

Instead of saying something, Phil abruptly ran to his room and shut the door, latching it tightly.

He laid in bed, sobbing his eyes out. He had just terrified his best friend. He turned to look at Dan and had seen someone that was scared. Someone absolutely petrified of Phil. This is who Phil was afraid of turning into. He felt like an absolute psychopath. 

Dan didn’t come to check on him. Phil understood. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve the amount of love and care Dan offered. Dan had spent their years of friendship being open and honest to Phil about everything he could and Phil couldn’t force himself to do the same. He didn’t deserve Dan.

Phil clutched onto his bedsheets, hoping that might stop him from the actions that seemed so tempting on the tip of his tongue. 

Phil glanced over at his drawer and then to the glass of water on his desk. 

He opened the drawer, revealing many bottles of medication, sitting around, never taken.

“If there’s any time where these can be as much of a miracle worker as everyone claims, it’ll be now,” Phil said to himself as he downed the first bottle. 

He swallowed harshly, the pills feeling like swallowing a thousand nails. He picked up the second bottle, already beginning to feel strange and weak, before downing that as well. 

Phil felt a bit tired so before taking the third bottle he sat back a little bit, allowing the pills to take effect.

After a few minutes of feeling just weak and tired, his heart beating slightly faster, he went to down the third bottle. As he sat up his vision began to blur and he felt dizzier than ever. He had the bottle in his shaky hands but was too weak to down them as the bottle collapsed on the floor along with his body.

Dan heard a loud thud from outside Phil’s bedroom door. He had been sitting outside, listening in to make sure Phil was alright and that he wasn’t going to try and break anything else, but when Dan heard the sound of plastic hitting the floor and a loud thud, his body was ridden with panic. 

“Phil? Are you alright?” Dan asked, trying to steady his shaking voice.

No response.

“Phil?”

Nothing.

He stood up quickly, unlocking and opening the door to Phil’s room. There Phil was laying, his body lifeless on the floor next to scattered pills, a drawer full of other pills, and a bottle.

Dan quickly dialled 911, telling them the address, his name and the situation. He did as the operator told him to, tears rolling down his face as his body shook in fear and shock. 

The paramedics showed up within minutes and urged Dan out of the room, the door shut tightly behind him.

A female paramedic gently consoled Dan as they sat downstairs on the sofa. She had taken off her hat and had changed her posture as to not intimidate Dan. She asked him questions about Phil; his age, his life, his behaviours, and Dan had answered her in a shaky voice. 

She had introduced herself to Dan as Louise, making sure he felt safe enough around her to allow her to ask questions and to console him. 

Dan hadn’t given the best answers to her, they were a bit vague but Louise didn’t push him to elaborate. She didn’t want to overwhelm him more, especially where it may not be necessary. 

“I’ll be right back Dan,” she said gently, softly patting his back as she got up and went upstairs. Dan zoned out completely, trying to bleed the noises of upstairs out of his ears until Louise returned.

She sat down next to Dan and took his hand gently.

“Dan, I’m going to tell you one thing now okay?” She said.

Dan only nodded in response, petrified of what she would say.

“Phil is not dead, okay? I’m going to start off with that. But he’s not responding.”

Dan’s heart felt like it picked up speed even more, as if that were even possible and he asked a question he dreaded knowing the answer to. “What does that mean?”

Louise smiled at him, “It means he’s not dead, he still has a pulse and a heartbeat, he’s still alive, but he’s unconscious and is not responding to any attempts to wake him up. They’re going to take him out in the ambulance and to the hospital for proper care, alright?”

Dan nodded, feeling slightly at ease but also not at all, “Can I come as well?”

“Yes of course, I assume you’ll want to stay the night with Phil, yeah?” 

Dan nodded, “I wanna stay with him until he wakes up.”

Louise nodded and smiled at him, “You’re a wonderful friend to him Dan.” 

Dan’s heart felt pulled after hearing the term ‘friend’, but this was absolutely no time to focus on his fluctuating romantic feelings for Phil as the paramedics were bringing him down the stairs on a gurney. 

Dan felt sick to his stomach at the sight of Phil. His body flopped around lifelessly on the gurney he was strapped to, his skin paler than ever and a mask over his face. 

Dan helped as much as he possibly could, holding the door open and trying to keep himself mentally stable enough to not allow his feelings to get in the way while seeing Phil in this state. 

As they got outside, the sickness in Dan’s stomach overtook his shaking body and he leaned over, throwing up in the garden next to their house. Louise helped the other paramedics get Phil into the ambulance before coming back over to rub Dan’s back soothingly and giving him a bottle of water and something to ease his stomach.

“Sorry,” Dan said quietly, his voice scratchy from just heaving his guts out and onto the ground.

“Don’t worry about it dear, you ready to go?”

Dan nodded and they climbed into the ambulance, setting everything up that was necessary before heading off to the hospital.


	2. The Hospital

Dan checked the clock once more, it was 1:45am, just 5 minutes later than it was when he had checked before. 

Dan was in a waiting room while Phil was taken in for tests, x-rays and blood work. He had informed his own family of the situation, spending half an hour on the phone with his mum, sobbing while she tried to comfort him before he had to make the dreaded phone call to Phil’s parents.

“Hello?” Dan heard Phil’s mum, Kath, on the other end of the line.

“Hi Kath,” Dan said, by now his voice was ridden with exhaustion and scratchy from crying and puking. 

“Dan? Sweetheart what’s wrong? It’s 2am. Are you okay?” Kath asked.

Dan swallowed the lump in his throat before answering, “no.”

Before Kath got too worked up, Dan explained to her everything that had happened. To Dan’s surprise, Kath didn’t seem too shocked. 

“I don’t know what happened or why he-“ Dan continued on, his breathing picking up quickly as he began to have a panic attack.

“Dan sweetheart Phil has depression,”

“He what?” Dan felt his heart stop.

Kath explained how they had found out about Phil’s depression when he was younger, how he had taken his medication for a while but when he hadn’t seen results he cut himself off of them and things had gone downhill. Kath had done everything that she could to help and encourage Phil but he was an adult and she could only do so much anymore, especially where she was growing old. 

Dan nodded like she could see him, taking in all of the information that Kath was telling him and relating it back to all of Phil’s previous behaviours. 

Phil’s parents couldn’t make it out to see Phil at this time of night as they didn’t have a car and public transport had stopped long ago, but they told Dan they had faith in him and his abilities to keep Phil safe, that if Dan really needed somebody that he could call them and of course to keep them updated.

They said their goodbyes and Dan went back to listening to the patronizing silence of the waiting room. He tried to play some games on his phone but he only got distracted by thoughts of Phil. 

Not too long after, a nurse came up to him and told him Phil was in his room now so Dan could go in. 

As they walked, the nurse explained that Phil was asleep and would more than likely come to by the morning. He also told Dan that if he didn’t wake up in the morning it would be because of the exhaustion effects of all the pills Phil had swallowed that may still be in his system mixed with the medication and fluids they had running through Phil’s body to keep him fully stable. 

Dan nodded at everything he had been told by the nurse, going in and taking a seat on the soft and fuzzy chair that was seated next to Phil’s bed. 

“We put this chair in here as we thought it may be more comfortable for you to stay in overnight, but if you have any other requests or if something happens with Philip please don’t hesitate to push the button next to the bed,” the nurse smiled at Dan, “is there anything you need before I go?” 

“Any way I could get a blanket please? It’s a bit chilly in here,” Dan requested, feeling bad for asking for anything. But the nurse just smiled widely at him, nodding before going to get him a blanket. 

The nurse returned not long after with a heated blanket for Dan. Dan had thanked him and the nurse reminded him once more not to hesitate if he needed anything, before leaving.

Dan stood up, taking off his sweater that had been soaked through with sweat from running, being nervous and panic attacks. He caught sight of Phil’s hoodie in the corner of the room, which he had been stripped of when they were hooking him up to wires and other contraptions Dan didn’t understand but accepted so long as they kept his best friend alive and stable. He walked over and took the yellow ‘Jake from Adventure Time’ hoodie and slipped it on over his head. 

He felt an overwhelming calmness at the scent of Phil radiating off his sweater as he sat back down in the chair, wrapping himself in the heated blanket. He reached over and took gentle hold of Phil’s hand, rubbing his thumb over top of it as he mumbled sweet and encouraging words in Phil’s direction, he knew Phil couldn’t hear him but he was okay with that. 

Nearing 4am, Dan was asleep finally, his hand still holding onto Phil’s and his face stuffed into Phil’s hoodie. He was startled awake by the door to the room opening and somebody on a hospital bed being wheeled in and put on the other side of the room. Dan had forgotten that these hospital rooms were double rooms. But the other guy didn’t seem like he would be much of a bother, and of course Dan took into consideration that the guy was a patient and Dan was not. 

The nurses checked in with the guy, making sure he was okay and that he didn’t need anything, before silence filled the room once again. 

The guy looked to be fairly young, probably about his or Phil’s age and he was laid up in bed with his leg in a cast. 

The guy looked around the room before groaning, seeing his phone on the other side of the room. 

Being quite obvious he couldn’t get up and get it himself, Dan asked, “do you want me to get your phone for you?” 

The guy startled hearing Dan’s voice but nodded nonetheless, “yes please.”

Dan stood up, letting go of Phil’s hand and getting the guys phone for him. 

Dan began chatting with the guy as he seemed pretty polite and if Dan didn’t have any socialization at some point soon he would probably go insane. The guys name was Shane, he was visiting Europe with his boyfriend Ryland and was going to propose to him in Paris in a few days, but Shane had slipped down some stairs and broken his leg. 

“Ouch man that’s rough, how long are you gonna be laid up for?” Dan asked.

“Well I have to go into surgery as soon as possible, since I fucked up my leg so bad they couldn’t just fix it and have me leave,” Shane said, making Dan snort, before continuing, “they said hopefully it’ll be in the morning but if there’s an emergency overnight or if the swelling hasn’t gone down enough over the course of the next few hours then they’ll have to wait until the next day, which is a royal shit hole of a time.” 

Dan nodded, “rather be getting laid than laid up amirite?” 

Shane laughed out loud at that before immediately shutting his mouth, “oops sorry. Don’t want to wake your friend over there.”

Dan felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“You won’t have to worry about that, he’s pretty much unconscious, probably won’t come to until the morning. Hopefully not any longer,” Dan said.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Shane said, “can I ask what happened?”

Dan hesitated, thinking it over for a minute before deciding that Phil would probably not like Dan to tell other people, especially people Phil didn’t know, about Phil’s suicide attempt.

“It’s a bit personal, I don’t think it’s something he would be comfortable with others knowing, sorry,” Dan said, looking over at Phil and feeling a sense of calmness seeing the soft and steady breaths Phil let out. 

“Understandable,” Shane said, “so are you his friend? Boyfriend? Husband? Brother?” 

“Just friends for now,” Dan responded.

“Ooh for now you say? I’ll have you know right now that I’m the nosiest person to ever grace the earth. Are you gonna ask him out?” Shane said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Not quite sure yet, maybe I’ll try it while he’s still unconscious so then I don’t have to deal with rejection,” Dan snorted. 

“ME,” Shane responded loudly, both of them laughing.

“Good lord it’s 4:30 in the morning,” Dan said rubbing his eyes.

“Oh god man sorry you were probably trying to sleep and my lonely ass kept you awake,” Shane said.

“No no don’t worry about it, I really doubt I was gonna get much sleep in a hospital chair anyhow,” Dan shrugged.

“Fair enough, but anyhow yeah it looks like after surgery I’ll be laid up for 2 weeks before I’ll be put in a different cast and be laid up for another 4 weeks. And then I’ll have to learn to walk again, so it’s gonna be one hell of a healing process. Guess Ryland is probably happy we get to spend more time in the UK though,” Shane said.

“Yeah. Speaking of, can I ask why your boyfriend isn’t here with you?” 

“The big baby goes to bed at 9pm, he was driving me to the hospital at 10pm already complaining about losing sleep tonight so I told him to shut up and just go go back to the hotel and sleep before I put him in the hospital bed next to me,” Shane said, looking down at his phone and texting someone. 

Dan nodded, chuckling to himself. The room went silent for a few moments because a loud beeping was heard over on Phil’s side of the room and things started going haywire. 

Before Dan could react, nurses were rushing into the room and shutting the curtain between him and Shane and Phil.

Dan tried to get over to Phil’s side, explaining to the nurses who he was, but he was told to go back to the other side of the room with Shane while they did what was necessary to help Phil, who looked to be getting worse by the second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love angst in this house sorry sjsjxjjs
> 
> Appreciate me via:  
> Tumblr: boptacular   
> Twitter: _katiecrawley_  
> Instagram: _katiecrawley


	3. The Wake Up Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided to add in Eugene from the Try Guys as a nurse because I can and you can’t tell me what to do also I would die for him. Next up on my character list is Jen Ruggirello so stay tuned because I love her more than I could ever love myself and I’m really gay for her.

Shane did his best to calm Dan down as well as he could. Dan was crying, cursing, screaming out to whatever power was out there. He wondered why. What did his friend do to deserve something so horrible. Dan knew what depression was like, knew what it felt like to be suicidal, in his chest he could feel the thoughts racing through Phil’s brain at the time that this had all happened. 

Dan felt this borderline uncontrollable rage, tears were streaming down his face, his voice like a broken record, he was feeling lightheaded from screaming, knew he looked ridiculous but he didn’t care. His best friend didn’t deserve to feel like this. His best friend didn’t deserve to go through this. 

Dan felt his energy drain into nothing as he collapsed into sobs in Shane’s arms, who gently held Dan and rubbed his back. Dan couldn’t be more thankful that Shane had been there. Shane hasn’t yelled at Dan to calm down, hadn’t said anything at all. He simply held tightly onto Dan to make sure he didn’t hurt himself or anyone else. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan whimpered like a chant, over and over into Shane’s chest. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it, I understand, I’ve been there,” Shane showed no fear, he stood strong to hold on to whatever Dan couldn’t at the moment. He showed nothing but strength and empathy for Dan and Dan knew this was a friend to hold onto. 

Dan felt himself go short of breath as sudden silence was heard on the other side of the room. He listened closely to the silence as Shane held him tighter, making sure he didn’t fall apart again, but making sure he knew he would be comforted if he did.

A nurse walked over to Shane and Dan and looked at them with a calm look on his face. 

“He’s okay,” he said, “his breathing cut out, as a trace of the medication that hadn’t been previously spotted, got caught in his throat.” 

Dan breathed a sigh of relief, crying hard into Shane’s chest and thanking every higher power out there that Phil would be okay. 

All but one of the nurses filed out of the room, all looking relieved and calmer than they did when they first ran in. Dan recognized him as the nurse who had gotten him a blanket that night. 

It was now just around 7am and Dan decided he didn’t want to sleep anymore for the night, in fear something else would happen. 

The nurse walked over to Dan, who had moved back to his chair and was now calmly sitting next to Shane. The nurse got on his knees, down to Dan’s level in order to comfort him properly. 

“I don’t think I’ve properly introduced myself, my name is Nurse Yang, but you can call me Eugene if you want,” he said. 

“I’m Dan, sorry about earlier,” Dan said 

“It’s okay, it happens,” Eugene smiled softly at him, “would you like to come with me? We can sit you out in somewhere a bit more open, get you some water and let you chill out for a few minutes, calm down before you come back in.” 

“Yeah that would be great, thank you,” Dan said, trying to make his voice sound more normal. 

Dan stood up and followed the nurse out of the room, where he sat down in the waiting room he had previously been in and was given water and a cold damp towel to pat down his face. He sat around for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and checking his phone.

Nothing was suspected by social media, and nothing was posted amongst their audience, which Dan was thankful for. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to have to explain to people what had happened. 

After almost an hour of being distracted by his phone and drinking lots of water to sooth his throat, Dan decided to go and get breakfast, but wanted to check in with Shane first to see if he wanted anything. Dan knew firsthand how awful hospital food was.

Dan walked back into the room but was met with a surprising sight. 

Shane’s side of the room was empty save for one boy who was sat in a chair, looking to be a nervous wreck. 

“Where’s Shane?” He asked, assuming the boy knew Shane. 

“They took him into surgery a few minutes ago, I got here just in time to give him a goodbye kiss and wish him luck,” the guy said.

“Oh shit. He’ll be fine though, it’s not too major a surgery from what he’s told me,” Dan said, then realizing he sounded like a complete creep as this guy had no idea who the hell Dan was, “I’m Dan by the way, my mate is over the other side of the room which is why I’m here.”

“I’m Ryland, Shane’s boyfriend,” Ryland said, smiling nervously. 

As Dan opened his mouth to say something else he heard a low and strangled voice from the other side of the room.

“Dan? Is that you?” Dan immediately jumped and ran to the other side of the curtain, where Phil was laying awake.

“Oh my god Phil, you’re okay,” Dan said, almost in disbelief, “thank god you’re okay oh my god thank god.”

It was likely that Dan would have cried in this situation had he not drained his voice and his tears earlier, but instead he calmed himself down and sat in a chair next to Phil’s bed. 

“I’m sorry Dan,” Phil croaked out, looking like he wanted to explain further but not having the energy.

“Don’t apologize Phil okay? I’m just glad you’re okay, I’m glad you’re alive and breathing,” Dan said, “we don’t have to talk about it now, I don’t need an explanation yet. Let me just call a nurse so they can check your vitals and whatever else and we’ll get you out of here as soon as possible yeah?”

Phil forced a small smile on his face and nodded. Dan got up and pressed the button for a nurse, telling her that Phil had woken up. The nurse said she had a patient to care for and would be in within a few minutes. 

Dan sat back down on the bed next to Phil, picking up one of Phil’s pale hands and placing it on Dan’s lap, holding onto it gently while rubbing circles on the top of it. 

“Phil,” Dan said, looking nervously over at Phil.

“Yeah?”

“I really thought I was never gonna see you again,” Dan said, the words seeming to sink deep into Phil, “I’ve spent years now being absolutely petrified of this moment, wondering how you would react, what you would say, what you would do, and I spent so much time wallowing in self pity at the thought of rejection. And I never thought I would say it like this but after last night I’ve realized there is no one in this world more important to me than you, that I cannot physically live with the thought of you not being around. I know this isn’t the best time but it feels right and I don’t want to waste more time being scared to say something I almost never would have gotten the chance to say. I love you Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me tips or support me!!:
> 
> Tumblr: jenruggirelllo (I just changed it to this today)  
> Twitter: _katiecrawley_  
> Instagram: _katiecrawley
> 
> Hope you guys are liking this as much as I am so far!
> 
> P.S. update!! I lied. This is gonna be more than 2-3 chapters. Probably won’t become a big ol’ novel but we’ll see!


	4. The Emotional Roller Coaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sobbed writing this chapter I’m so sorry

Phil paused and thought for a second as he let the words that Dan said sink into his brain. Dan loved him. Dan loved him. 

“Phil I’m sorry, I know this wasn’t the right place to say this. You don’t have to say anything right now if you don’t want to, I know there’s a lot on your mind and the fact that you’re in the hospital and you just woke up is probably not helping,” Dan said sincerely, trying not to let his sadness at Phil’s silence show.

“I think I love you too,” Phil said, his voice strained and hardly above a whisper. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, I guess it’s not something I really thought about before, us being together that is, but I’ve always thought of us building a life and a family together, you know? I could never imagine a life without you,” Phil said. 

“So you thought we were just gonna build a life and a family together but just stay as bros?” Dan asked, making both of them laugh lightly.

Before Phil could think of a response, Phil’s nurse, Eugene walked in. 

“We’ll talk about this at home yeah?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded and smiled in response.

“Hey! Glad to see you awake! How are you feeling?” Eugene said in a cheerful voice.

“I’m okay, my throat’s a bit dry and it hurts a little,” Phil said. 

Phil and Eugene carried on conversation about how Phil was feeling while Eugene took his vitals and did a few tests on him to make sure he was physically okay. 

As they were chatting, the door to the room swung open and the sound of a bed being put in the room was heard. 

‘Be back in a sec,’ Dan mouthed to Phil, kissing his forehead gently before getting up and making his way to the other side of the room. 

Dan looked behind the curtain and saw Shane in a big white fabric cast, laying in his bed, looking exhausted. Dan waited for all of the nurse to make their way out of the room, checking on Shane to make sure he was alright. 

“How ya feeling?” Dan asked Shane as the door closed behind the nurse.

“Tired. Everything fucking hurts. But at least I have this little pain in the ass here with me now,” Shane said, pulling Ryland close to him as both of them cuddled up on the bed together. 

Dan smiled as he saw Ryland kiss Shane’s cheek, looking up at him like he hung the stars and the moon. Dan figured that was probably how he looked at Phil. 

“I just came over to check on you, probably gonna go get breakfast in a few minutes and I was wondering if you wanted anything, I know you’re not allowed to eat for hours before surgery and I imagine you’re pretty hungry,” Dan said.

Before Shane responded, Eugene walked over and put his hand on Dan’s shoulder, telling him that Phil was referred to therapy, to make sure he goes, and that Phil was now discharged with an antidepressant prescription that would need to be filled as soon as possible.

Dan nodded at what he was saying and as Eugene said his goodbyes Dan stopped him.

“Hey wait,” Dan said, “I just wanted to thank you for everything, Eugene, you were a big help with both Phil and I over the course of the night.”

“That’s so sweet of you to say, but don’t worry about it, it’s all in a days work. I wish you both the best, it was a pleasure meeting you,” Eugene said, smiling before he left the room. 

As soon as Phil was changed out of his hospital gown and into his clothes, Dan pulled back the curtain between Phil and Shane so they could both see each other.

Anyone hungry?” Dan asked, looking at the other 3, all of them making obnoxious sounds of agreement. 

Dan took everyone’s order for the small cafe that was downstairs, insisting that Phil stayed and relaxed for a bit and got to know Shane and Ryland while Dan handled getting the food. 

Once Dan left the room and was walking down the hall he checked his phone, finding 4 missed calls from Phil’s mum and many many texts from his friends and family. He sighed, already exhausted just from looking at his screen, and swiped to call back Phil’s parents, informing them that Phil was okay and was coming back home with him. 

Dan arrived at the cafe and put in everyone’s order. He was informed that his food would take about 10 minutes as the cafe had just opened and food had to be made. 

Dan texted Phil saying that he would be a few minutes and sat down at one of the small tables in the big open area.

Dan wasn’t sure how to feel right then. It felt like the first time since last night his brain could stop racing and he didn’t feel on edge and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. 

Suddenly overwhelmed with the emotions he hadn’t let out last night, Dan began to openly sob in the middle of the hospital, his hand covering his mouth as he attempted to keep his gasps for air silent, tears involuntarily streaming down his face. He’d been so insanely scared about losing the one he loved most and now he was angry that Phil had tried to do this to himself and the shock factor of everything was beginning to wear off. He thought about how everything would have had to change. How different his life would be. Everything he would have to do if Phil was gone. He couldn’t hold in this sudden rush of anger and fear. 

People walked by him, looking at him sympathetically, a few stopping to gently ask him if he was okay. 

Dan has just began to catch his breath when a little girl walked over and tugged on his sweater.

Dan looked down at her and saw her smiling big and holding a little handful of tissues out to him.

“Are you okay?” She asked him. She looked to be about 5 years old and Dan was concerned about where her mum was until he looked up and saw her standing just a few feet back.

“Yeah yeah I’m fine thank you sweetie,” Dan cleared his throat, smiling and taking the tissues from the girl. 

Dan noticed the girl was bald and in a little hospital gown with stickers on top of tape that held IV wires in place. 

She sat down in the chair beside him and put her little hand on top of his. 

“It’ll be okay you know?” She said to him, “I don’t know why you’re here but I have been here for a long time. Mommy said that’s gonna end really soon. And when it does she said I’ll be moving in with my dad! I only seen him a couple times but mommy said he lives in a BIG palace in the sky! She said that when I go I have to go first and she will come find me soon!”

Dan felt his whole heart shatter at the implications that the little girl seemed so excited about. 

“I know I’m only 6 but mommy always told me to hold on tight in life. And when things go wrong just remember, don’t be scared. There’s a big palace in a better world on the other side full of people who love me and I shouldn’t be scared to go there!” She said 

Dan wiped his still falling tears away and smiled at the little girl. 

“My name is Lucy! What’s your name?” The girl asked as she didn’t get much response from Dan.

“I’m Dan,” he smiled at her. 

“Good! I like that name a lot! That’s my daddy’s name!”

Lucy began to ramble on to Dan about everything she loved and about how one day she would be a nurse so she could help little girls like her. 

Dan responded to her as well as he could trying not to think to hard about the real situation at hand. Before long her mother came up and told her it was time to go back to her room.

“Wait, can I give you a hug?” Dan asked her.

Lucy grinned widely and nodded, running into Dan’s arms and giving him a big hug. 

“I may not see you again,” She said, “but I’ll make sure I see you if you come visit my big palace in the sky okay? You come come visit me and my dad!”

Dan nodded at her, “I would love nothing more.”

They said their goodbyes and Dan mouthed a ‘thank you’ at Lucy’s mum before her and Lucy walked away. 

“Oh my god,” Dan whispered under his breath, as soon as they were out of sight. He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep himself together, before his order was called out and he went to get it. 

As Dan got his order and walked back to Phil, Shane and Ryland, he thought about everything that had happened. He thought about how happy he was that Phil was with him and how things would be okay in his life but how it may not be for another family, and how horrifying it must be living and knowing your own daughters life is not guaranteed to be here tomorrow, how scary it would be to live each day fully knowing that the end is so close.

With those thoughts, Dan walked into the room, seeing Shane, Ryland and Phil sitting around laughing together, Shane in a big cast, Ryland wrapped around his waist, and Phil with scars and marks on him from IV wires, and he felt life being put into perspective before his very eyes.

**Author's Note:**

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